Friday, April 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Nicolas Cage says he will only act for three or for more years. People were surprised. Nicolas Cage is still acting?

Ex-Playboy model Karen McDougal is legally free to talk about her affair with Donald Trump. To which everyone is saying “Please don’t.”

A report says higher gasoline prices could wipe out the tax gains for millions of Americans. You didn’t think those oil executives were going to actually let you keep any of that money, did you?

A survey says 75% of the ultra rich forecast a recession in the next two years. To which everyone else is asking when are we getting out of the one we’re in now?

A survey says 75% of the ultra rich forecast a recession in the next two years. Which could bring about the ultra rich’s biggest fear of dropping to only being super rich.

A survey says more than half of the world’s wealthy expect to live to 100. Especially the ones who have an incentive to live that long to be able to count all their money.

A survey says more than half of the world’s wealthy expect to live to 100. Mostly because they are the only ones with enough money to actually afford any healthcare.

Researchers say people are less religious when government gets bigger. Mostly because there isn’t much time left for church after standing in line at the DMV for 12 straight hours.

Researchers say people are less religious when government gets bigger. Who needs to feed the masses with seven loaves and fish when there are always Food Stamps?

A Southern California tortoise with a cracked shell got $4,000 worth of repairs. Not only that, for protection it was also given a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

A study says nearly one in four American kids have at least one immigrant parent. Which makes them just like Barron Trump.

A study says nearly one in four American kids have at least one immigrant parent. They’ll have two if the other can make it across the border before the wall is built.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. That’s usually the time the morning coffee supply at work runs out.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. That’s usually right about the time the boss finally makes it into the office.

A study says the average American utters their first swear word of the day at 10:54 AM. Have these people never overslept, run out of milk or been stuck in traffic?

A study says Americans waste 150 tons of food a day. Although you sure couldn’t tell by looking.

Mexican immigration agents found 191 Central American migrants jammed into a truck and bus. To which they said “The U.S. border is just a little farther thataway.”

A Michigan couple with no daughters welcomed their 14th son. They’ve passed having a basketball, baseball and football team so apparently they are waiting for number 15 for hurling.

A Michigan couple with no daughters welcomed their 14th son. How many times has that poor mom fallen in the toilet because the lid was left up?

A study says the Bajau people of Southeast Asia have developed bigger spleens to help with diving. If nothing else, at least we finally know what spleens are for.

New Cuban President Miguel Diaz-Canel has pledged continuity in office. Which is great news for the people who were afraid he would try to take them out of the poverty, despair and oppression they have become so accustomed to.

A study says as humans learned to hunt, the size of mammals has shrunk. Which ironically led to humans being the only mammals to grow in size once they discovered the post-hunt grilling and beer.

Queen Elizabeth II says she hopes the Commonwealth will “one day” choose Prince Charles as leader. To which he says no thanks to the Queen for still hanging on at 91.

Queen Elizabeth II says she hopes the Commonwealth will “one day” choose Prince Charles as leader. Which will be nice after training for his first job for nearly 70 years to finally get it just in time to retire.

Deutsche Bank reportedly made a payment where they made a $35 Billion error. Which is OK as Wells Fargo showed them how to just write it from a fake account.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. If you can escape prison through a window, that should be considered a no-security penitentiary.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. Next time the guards will remember to turn on the ADT alarm system.

An accused Bitcoin thief escaped from a low-security prison in Iceland through a window. Apparently they don’t feel they need bars to keep inmates in because once you escape, you are now stuck in Iceland.

Amazon and Microsoft are among the top companies hiring foreign workers. Which automatically also puts them among the top companies hiring any workers.

A report says the average Amazon worker makes $28,446 a year. Which when figured in with Jeff Bezos’ salary of $10 Billion brings it down to more like $1,325.

Burger King cofounder David Edgerton has died at age 90. He credited his longevity to never eating any meals at Burger King.

Burger King cofounder David Edgerton has died at age 90. He is credited with inventing the conveyor belt grill but some people say that claim is a real whopper.

A report says trust in Facebook is down 66% since the recent privacy scandal. The other 34% are men who pray the only people who don’t get their personal information off Facebook are their wives.

Autism doctor Hans Asperger reportedly aided the Nazi regime in World War II. Which means he should from now on be referred to as “Ass Burger.”

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. Which pretty much narrows that down to 24/7.

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. Which is tough for sponsors to figure out when they are watching TV and not on their iPhone, computer or playing video games.

A study says junk food advertising is highest on TV when kids are usually watching. When adults are watching the commercials are more for Viagra, Tinder and divorce lawyers.

Scientists have developed tattoos to screen for early signs of major diseases. As opposed to traditional tattoos which are just used as an early sign of Hepatitis C.

A Canadian naturopath reportedly gave a 4 year old saliva from a rabid dog for behavioral problems. Well, what could possibly go wrong with that idea?

A Canadian naturopath reportedly gave a 4 year old saliva from a rabid dog for behavioral problems. Which makes the worst job in the world the person who has to go get that saliva.

Experts say “white coat hypertension” when blood pressure rises in the doctor’s office may be a sign of a real problem. They say blood pressure should only go up in the doctor’s office when they give the patient their bill.

A study says Americans each throw out nearly a pound of food every day. Mostly only the items nobody ever eats, like fruits, vegetables and grains.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. Apparently the $100 Million figure was the street value.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. Officials suspected PEDs were involved when Armstrong used his bicycle to qualify for three NASCAR events.

Lance Armstrong has agreed to pay the Post Office $5 Million of a $100 Million lawsuit over his doping. According to Donald Trump, the only way he could have been into the Post Office for more money is if he had his drugs shipped by Amazon.

Nearly 20,000 high schools are eligible to join a new e-sports league. Remember when jocks were the ones who used Gatorade for something other than washing down a bag of Cheetos?

Nearly 20,000 high schools are eligible to join a new e-sports league. Instead of letterman’s jackets, athletes now get a robe to wear while competing on the couch.

90 year old race car driver Hershel McGriff will race on May 5th in Tucson. His is the car that will be going 37 mph in the passing lane with the blinker on.

90 year old race car driver Hershel McGriff will race on May 5th in Tucson. Race officials are optimistic he could finish the race as early as May 8th.

A poll of NFL agents says the Redskins are the least trusted team. That is, if you believe anything coming from a bunch of NFL agents.

Alex Rodriguez’ cousin was reportedly kidnapped and held for ransom. To which Yankees fans who sat through A-Rod’s ten year, $275 Million contract are saying “tell us about it.”

The Jaguars will become the first NFL team to have a dog park at their stadium. It’s for fans who don’t mind paying $200 to watch their dog pee on a plastic palm tree.

The Jaguars will become the first NFL team to have a dog park at their stadium. The worst part is when the games are so bad other fans come over to watch the dogs.

A report says Florida’s municipal golf courses lost $100 Million in the past five years. Mostly from golfers not teeing off after noon so they can be done in time to make it to the 4:30 Early Bird dinner.

Donald Trump says James Comey threw Andrew McCabe under the bus. Which was welcomed by Trump who could then back the bus over McCabe three or four times.

Donald Trump says human trafficking is “worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world.” Although all those Egyptian slaves that built the Pyramids might have something to say about that.

Donald Trump says human trafficking is “worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world.” The worst part is that it’s giving the U.S. its best chance yet to finally eliminate the trade deficit.

James Comey suggested Donald Trump can’t be trusted with classified information. Which is embarrassing to find out the person that Trump keeps trying to hunt down for all the White House leaks is himself.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. Humans can do the same thing in 18 minutes if they don’t mind the finished product ending as a coffee table.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. Unlike with humans trying the same task, there were only 25 screws, 14 washers and 12 bolts left over.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. The only problem is it refused to even start the task until it was given a helping of Swedish meatballs.

A robot was able to assemble an IKEA chair in 20 minutes. It took a human three years to program the robot for the task, which is exactly the same total time of three years and 20 minutes it takes most people to assemble the same chair.

Lyft is planning to make all its rides carbon neutral. Which means every other rider is going to have to get out and push.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, but I probably don’t have to be the one to inform you about that. I have another long weekend coming up which is always good for me. Maybe not for you, as even when I am off my “real” job I still continue to crank out the jokes. No one gets a break here. This blog is my therapy and so we all get to go through it together. Mostly because my feeling is I don’t need any medication as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


An American tourist in Bangkok was arrested after going into a rage when his flight was delayed following a golfing holiday. The question being who believes someone who goes from the U.S. to Bangkok to play golf?

A monthly migraine shot reportedly cuts the number of headaches by half. The only problem is they come back triple after getting the injection medical bills.

A warning says green tea extracts could cause liver damage. But usually only when the green tea is mixed with vodka, bourbon or rum.

A trainload of human waste from New York is making an Alabama town smell “like death” according to residents. Which is still better than smelling like Alabama.

A trainload of human waste from New York that residents say is making an Alabama town smell “like death.” There’s a word for trains that smell like death. Amtrak.

A trainload of human waste from New York is making an Alabama town smell “like death” according to residents. The question is why doesn’t New York treat it like all their other sewage and just dump it into the East River?

A man is being sought by police in New York after hitting a girl with a can of Chef Boyardee. The girl was struck before she could even say “Uh, oh! SpaghettiOs!

Experts say people who shower too often can cause health issues. Which is just more good news for all the people in France.

A study says half of all Californians support deportation of immigrants and a ban on Muslim travel. The other half of the state being immigrants and Muslims.

Iran has unveiled a new devastating missile system. Apparently it has something to do with a goat placed inside a giant slingshot.

A German theater is offering a free seat to anyone showing up to a performance of a play about Hitler wearing an armband swastika. Which is the same offer that goes for any stage production that comes to Charlottesville.

California has 8 of the 10 most ozone-polluted cities. The good news is that Bakersfield, Sacramento and Fresno all look much better when they are hidden by a layer of smog.

A study says getting divorced increases the risk of having multiple heart attacks. Especially for men when they see their ex-wife with her new, young rich boyfriend.

A study says getting divorced increases the risk of having multiple heart attacks. Mostly for men when they simultaneously get their alimony and child support bills.

Californians will reportedly pay $12 Billion more in federal income taxes next year. To which Donald Trump is saying “That will teach you to vote for Hillary!”

Californians will reportedly pay $12 Billion more in federal income taxes next year. Mostly from working three jobs to have enough money to live in California.

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion. Which is basically the U.S. national debt plus the $48.25 that the rest of the world owes.

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion.. The question is, when we can’t pay it back who gets to foreclose on the planet?

World debt has reached a record $164 Trillion. Since all the countries owe it to each other, why not just cancel it out and start all over at zero?

Eric Holder predicts the Mueller investigation will be a “two year case.” Which means if all goes as planned should wrap up right before the November elections.

The CEO of Time Warner calls antitrust allegations by the government over the merger with AT&T “ridiculous.” Like anyone would want to create a monopoly by actually signing on with Time Warner or AT&T.

An island-wide power blackout has hit Puerto Rico. The good news is at least that means things are back they way they were before Hurricane Maria.

Fake coupons are appearing offering free Starbucks coffee to African Americans. People became suspicious of the offer when they saw Starbucks offering free anything to anyone.

The White House will investigate Scott Pruitt’s $43,000 secure phone booth. Apparently Donald Trump is interested in having one installed for any calls he makes to Michael Cohen.

A report says Cuba’s likely new leader Miguel Diaz-Canel is facing economic and diplomatic challenges. In other words, nothing has changed over the past 60 years.

Outrage is building in Germany after a rap album with anti-Semitic lyrics won an award. Which the U.S. takes pride that our rap albums just stick with lyrics about slapping ho’s, popping caps and scoring some crack.

Airlines are inspecting their Boeing 737 engines after a fatal Southwest explosion. To which Southwest is saying “Wait, you’re supposed to inspect them?”

Big companies including Amazon, B of A and Wells Fargo are ordering recruiters to not ask job candidates about their previous salary. Mostly because it doesn’t matter since they are only offering to pay all their workers minimum wage.

Automakers and oil companies are looking to make one grade of 95 octane gasoline for all cars. The idea would add to fuel economy, make for better performance and add a 50 cent markup to the price of each gallon.

The ex-head of the Hungarian swimming federation denies having a rival murdered in 1998. Apparently he ordered his rival into the pool despite knowing as head of the Hungarian swimming federation that Hungarians can’t swim.

The NRA is lashing out at Dick’s Sporting Goods for destroying unsold firearms. They claim the store is hurting the economy by taking away all that potential business for the hospitals and morgues.

Starbucks has dropped to its lowest consumer perception level since 2015. The lesson being it’s OK to gouge prices but just make sure to stay away from the racism.

California has opened a probe into working conditions at Tesla. Although the only workers at risk are those test-driving a Tesla using Autopilot.

Apple’s “do not disturb while driving” feature is reportedly getting people to put down their phones behind the wheel. Now if the same do not disturb parameters could only be applied to the kids in the back seat.

Chipotle may start offering breakfast burritos. It’s for people who want to get violently ill but don’t have time to wait until lunch.

United Airlines has put to rest fears of starting a fare war. Apparently they dropped the idea when they realized it would mean having to actually lower their prices.

A study says married people are less likely to die from melanoma. Mostly because they don’t usually get out in the sun much after having to sneak back into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says using pot may not dull teenagers’ brains. The only question being how would you be able to tell in the first place?

The EPA says reports of bulletproof tires and seat covers for Scott Pruitt are not true. However, he could use a pair of bullet proof shoes to protect himself from all the times he has been shooting himself in the foot.

Mitch McConnell is looking at a longer Senate workweek to keep Democrats from being able to campaign. Although Senators on both sides of the aisle are protesting the inhumane conditions of being in the office more than 20 hours a week.

Mitch McConnell is looking at a longer Senate workweek to keep Democrats from being able to campaign. You know the Republicans are scared of the upcoming election when they are resorting to actually threatening to do more work.

Michael Phelps says he thought about killing himself after the 2012 Olympics. The only problem is that every time he jumped into the pool to try to drown himself he came out with another gold medal.

James Comey says Donald Trump tweets about him like the breakup he can’t get over. That’s good news for Comey in that it usually ends up with a $130,000 payoff.

Rob Gronkowski has bought a stake in his namesake, Derby horse “Gronk.” Which using that criteria, Tom Brady could buy into the back half of any horse.

Several shark attacks caused the cancellation of a surfing event in Australia. Which must make golfers and baseball players feel like wimps when they are postponed by just a little rain.

Several shark attacks caused the cancellation of a surfing event in Australia. Apparently it’s just a bit much when the competitors become the concessions.

The NCAA has approved alcohol sales at championship events. As opposed to most fraternities which only consider an event a championship if it involves beer pong.

The NCAA has approved alcohol sales at championship events. Which is the reason most college graduates know NCAA as “Need to Commit to Alcoholics Anonymous.”

46,000 fans showed up to a free Oakland A’s game. Which is sad knowing the only way they will ever reach 65,000 stadium capacity is by paying people to show up.

Cubs’ first baseman Anthony Rizzo says he will take a pay cut for a shorter season. Which is a noble move to offer to somehow only get by on $4.8 Million a year instead of his current salary of $5 Million.

A new book says Rodney Dangerfield was only paid $35,000 to star in “Caddyshack.” Which means he wasn’t acting when he said the line “Double or nothing!”

Tennis player Jared Donaldson was fined $6,200 for ranting at an umpire. To which John McEnroe who was once fined $7,500 in 1984 dollars and lost his honorary membership at Wimbledon is saying “Amateur!”

The Senate has voted to allow babies on the floor because of new mom Tammy Duckworth. Although that has always been the rule, especially for anyone who has been there during budget negotiations.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog today. I appreciate all my readers and would be even more indebted if you would tell your friends to take a look once in awhile as well. I hate to crash the Internet with so many people on the site but that is just a risk I am willing to take. Hey, the IRS crashed their website this week so why not give me the same opportunity. And I am willing to bet I am even more popular at times than the IRS. And I never feel more popular than when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!