Sunday, November 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A new birth control app is said to possibly replace the Pill. Which would be technology’s way of offsetting the effects of what happens because of Tinder.

A scientist claims he has performed the first human head transplant on a corpse. He claims it is successful because the patient’s condition hasn’t gotten any worse.

A scientist claims he has performed the first human head transplant on a corpse. Although putting a deceased head on a dead body is like sticking a Chrysler engine inside a Buick.

Police in New Jersey are giving training to local clergy on dealing with active shooters. The way to tell if a minister has had the classes is when they bless the congregation with “The Lord be with you. And Smith & Wesson, too.”

A poll says 1 in 3 Americans will avoid talking politics over Thanksgiving. They prefer the traditional family fights over religion, football and money.

The U.S. is warning about Christmas and New Year’s terrorism threats in Europe. Along with the usual threats of terrorism warnings over St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day…

A New Jersey woman was rescued after falling into a septic tank and being trapped for three hours. Although she says throw in a mob of unruly teens and some medical waste and it was like an afternoon on the Jersey Shore.

A New Jersey woman was rescued after falling into a septic tank and being trapped for three hours. She was rescued after people heard her screaming “”Fire!” When asked why she yelled “fire,” she said “Who would come if I yelled ‘Doody!’?” (Credit to the awesome Smothers Brothers for that one)

Tesla’s new roadster will be the fastest production car ever, going 0-60 in 1.9 seconds. Which would beat the record for the fastest time going 0-60 on the 405 Freeway in L.A. by six months.

A report says an “alarming” number of shoppers are still paying off their debt from last Christmas. Mostly people who are going overboard since it was the first time they have been able to afford to do any shopping since 2007.

A Wisconsin bill is seeking to lower the drinking age to 19. Mostly as a way to give teenagers a reason to stay in Wisconsin.

A Wisconsin bill is seeking to lower the drinking age to 19. It’s being called “the bill that made Milwaukee famous.”

A glut of unmarried men in China has prompted the government to promote dating coaches and lessons. Or they could be like the U.S., allow access to Tinder and just let things happen.

Turkish Olympic gold medalist weightlifter Suleymanoglu has died at age 50. The cause of death was cirrhosis of the liver, meaning in his last years he unfortunately spent his time lifting mostly shot glasses.

Chinese bike sharing companies are reportedly going bust. If they were more like New Yorkers, when they needed a bike they would just get a pair of bolt cutters.

The Federal Reserve says the average U.S. household is $137,000 in debt. What’s worse is that once that is paid off they can start working on the $150,000 they each owe to pay back the national deficit.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. Which is the same logic telling us the GOP tax plan to give more money to the rich will make us all wealthy.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. The way Trump has failed on so many issues, the real massacre of elephants could happen at the polls in 2018.

The Trump Administration’s Fish and Wildlife Service says killing elephants will help save them. Because who wants to go to a dirty old zoo when they can instead visit a hunter’s house and see a nice shiny elephant head on the wall?

MoviePass is offering a deal for unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. Which comes out to a price of about $30 each for the ones that are actually worth watching.

MoviePass is offering a deal for unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. Which if a person sees a movie every day will amount to more like $25,000 after buying popcorn, soft drinks and candy.

MoviePass is offering unlimited movies for $89.95 a year. The price goes up to $6,000 for the plan that guarantees the theater won’t play any Adam Sandler films.

A poll says consumers plan on spending an average of $862 on Christmas gifts this year. Although it is five times that much for the people who are going to buy at least one item from Apple.

Nevada’s plan to use untested execution drugs is said to be risky. To which the mob says why not just do it the easy way with a .38 and dump the body in Lake Mead?

A study says the benefits of energy drinks is outweighed by the risks to physical and mental health. Especially when considering the “benefits” of energy drinks are paranoia, insomnia, irritability, anger and a heart attack.

A blood test may make diagnosing Parkinson’s Disease easier. Especially when the patient is shaking to the point where they can’t use a needle to get a blood sample.

A study says boys get better marks in reading when there are more girls around. Although mostly because they start reading articles on how to pick up women.

A study says adopting a dog can lengthen a person’s life. Mostly because throwing pieces of their junk food to the dog it keeps them from eating all of it themselves.

A study says adopting a dog can lengthen a person’s life. Except for the people who adopt a pit bull and forget that one time to fill the food bowl.

A study says people with desk jobs want to move around more. Mostly to get as far away as possible from their micro-managing supervisors.

A study says children who are spanked have more behavior problems later. Just ask the 14 year old girls who kept getting asked to be spanked by Roy Moore.

A study says eating nuts may lower the risk of heart disease. That could be true. When is the last time you have seen a squirrel needing CPR?

Katy Perry has won a court battle over property in L.A. Fortunately for her, it turns out the Left Shark was also her attorney.

A former aide to Donald Trump says he made up the story of Chris Christie being sent to McDonald’s to pick up an order for Trump. As if anyone would believe Christie would return from McDonald’s with food for someone else.

A former aide to Donald Trump says he made up the story of Chris Christie being sent to McDonald’s to pick up an order for Trump. Which is nice to finally find out that the source of all that Trump fake news is pretty much Trump.

Quentin Tarrantino has taken a movie project about Charles Manson away from the Weinstein Company to another studio. How bad is it when even Charles Manson’s name could be damaged by being linked to Harvey Weinstein?

Kim Kardashian reportedly didn’t invite the surrogate mother to her baby shower. Apparently she didn’t want to spoil the surprise and let the baby see what gifts she would be getting.

Kim Kardashian reportedly didn’t invite the surrogate mother to her baby shower. Mostly because she considers it awkward to socialize with the help.

Lonzo Ball was called out for walking away from a skirmish in a game against the Suns. Apparently he was too worried about someone stepping on his $500 pair of Big Baller shoes.

Lonzo Ball was called out for walking away from a skirmish in a game against the Suns. It’s just as well. It’s not like he was going to land any punches when he can barely hit 30% from the floor.

LaVar Ball, when asked about his son being returned from China because of Donald Trump said “Who?” Not because of any disrespect, he just honestly doesn’t know who is President of the United States.

Donald Trump is urging the three UCLA basketball players to thank China’s president for their release. Just like Trump always thanks Vladimir Putin for getting him elected President.

Donald Trump is urging the three UCLA basketball players to thank China’s president for their release. Just like Trump thanks the Chinese president every day for not foreclosing on all their loans.

The Houston Rockets scored 90 points in the first half against the Phoenix Suns. Or as the Clippers call 90 points, a pretty good year.

The NFL is reviewing allegations that Jameis Winston groped a female Uber driver. If the charges are true, Winston could be sentenced to be Uber’s next CEO.

Polaroid wants millions of dollars from Fujifilm for copying their trademark white border film. Which is really big news for anyone still living in 1978.

A video game champion says eSports will be bigger than soccer. Which is why gamers winning a free game yell “Replayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

A video game champion says eSports will be bigger than soccer. Which is a real endorsement to say your activity is more exciting than watching a three hour match that ends in a 0-0 tie.

A study says being good at video games may mean a child is smart. It may also be a sign they have high cholesterol, are morbidly obese and should be tested for diabetes.

A report says new technology can cut insurance costs for young drivers. Which will help lower the rates that tripled from the technology that allowed them to text while driving.

The FCC has voted to cut back a program providing broadband access to poor Americans. Opponents to the measure say it is denying those who are not wealthy the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of online porn.

A rail company In Japan issued an apology after a train left the station 20 seconds early. As opposed to the U.S. where people are happy they aren’t dragged off a United flight for complaining about sitting on the tarmac for three hours.

A rail company In Japan issued an apology after a train left the station 20 seconds early. To which Amtrak, all U.S. airlines and Greyhound Bus said “What’s ‘early’?”

Declawing cats is now prohibited in Denver. The no declawing policy means the city has just put itself up for consideration to host the Miss Universe pageant.

A candidate for Ohio governor has apologized for boasting about his sexual history with “50 very attractive females.” Which to most people reading that phrasing brings up the question “How gay is this guy?”

A U.S. Navy destroyer received minor damage in a collision with a Japanese tugboat. Which means the Navy really needs to issue a rule banning texting from the bridge.

A report says Donald Trump’s advisers only show him polls that make him feel good. No wonder he keeps bringing up his election win as that is the only good news his people can come up with to show him.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of Malcolm Young at 64. Young was a founder and rhythm guitar player for AC/DC. He was truly responsible for young people all over the world to keep uttering the question “What?” Young had previously retired from the band because of reports of dementia. How bad is it when you can’t play rhythm guitar in a band that knows only three chords? AC/DC is one of the great rock bands of all time and Malcolm Young will be missed. 64 may sound young but in rock and roll standards it is somewhere around the equivalent of 115. At least he managed to live longer than the rock guitar, which unfortunately died around the time Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber released their first songs. Ugh. He also outlived the vinyl album and FM radio. Sometimes progress isn’t all that great. I hope you old rock and rollers all manage to crank up the stereo and listen to Malcolm back up the late Bon Scott from the same band who knew how to make some great music before auto-tune and sampling came along and wrecked everything. I also as usual hope you manage to remember to always keep on sending the love!


Friday, November 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

GOP leaders are weighing drastic plans in order to save the Alabama Senate seat. None as drastic as the possibility that Roy Moore becomes the next Senator.

GOP leaders are weighing drastic plans in order to save the Alabama Senate seat. Which wouldn’t be necessary if Roy Moore would have kept his hands off the seats of all those young girls.

The FCC is set to drop Internet rules including net neutrality. The only question being who needs rules when the Internet has allowed a rigged election, porn to come into every home and people to freely spy on each other?

Pope Francis I has rebuked climate deniers as “perverse.” Who do they think they are, a priest conducting altar boy auditions?

A sex robot showroom in Vienna is offering potential buyers “test drives.” The only problem for customers is when they are allowed to demonstrate a used model.

Voters in Colorado have elected a convicted killer to a school board. Apparently he is a proponent of the program “No Child Left Alive.”

Rapper Lil Peep has died of an overdose at age 21. Friends say it was sad he didn’t live long enough to meet his demise in the more traditional rappers’ way of being gunned down.

Rapper Lil Peep has died of an overdose at age 21. Unfortunately, no one heard his cries for help as they were just more of a Lil Peep.

A study says a broken heart can cause the same type of long-lasting damage as a heart attack. For men that means not so much the sadness of the breakup as the pain of losing half of everything they own.

Porsche has introduced the fastest street car ever. The latest 911 model can reportedly go zero-to-losing-your-license in 2.7 seconds.

Porsche has introduced the fastest street car ever. The 911 model has a maximum speed of 211 mph which can result in a minimum jail sentence of 90 days.

A former Google executive has registered the first church that worships technology. Don’t we already have an organization that indoctrinates people who give their lives and everything they own to Artificial Intelligence? It’s called “Apple.”

Finland has been named as the safest place on the planet. Mostly because nine months out of the year it’s too cold for anyone to even try to hold a gun in their bare hands.

Finland has been named as the safest place on the planet. Mostly because there are three cities that have an average yearly temperature colder than Mars.

Australian police have seized $186 Million of cocaine on a yacht. Which means a cancellation of the annual Paris Hilton Christmas party boat.

Australian police have seized $186 Million of cocaine on a yacht. Which was no big deal. What would have been really suspicious is if they found that much cocaine on a simple cabin cruiser.

The House GOP has passed a $1.4 Trillion tax overhaul bill. “Overhaul” meaning the wealthiest Americans will haul over all that cash into their personal portfolios.

Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has been hospitalized following an emergency heart procedure. Ironically, the repairs were made by doctors using plastic sheeting and duct tape.

Donald Trump is set to appoint interim chief of the Consumer Financial Protection Board Mick Mulvaney, who is on record calling the Board a “sick, sad joke.” Which apparently is Trump’s idea of how to pull a sick, sad joke.

The EU says planners of the Greece bailout failed to anticipate the subsequent recession. The question is how can anyone tell when the Greek economy goes into a recession?

A Missouri man is being accused of posing for pictures with his dead wife before cutting her up. Apparently he didn’t realize the way to symbolize a breakup is to just tear up the photos.

A Missouri man is being accused of posing for pictures with his dead wife before cutting her up. The worst part is while the photos were snapped he said “Say ‘smells like rotten cheeeeese.’”

A report says airlines have been bumping fewer passengers on oversold flights. Especially after the United passenger dragging incident now when flights get even close to being full, people make a pre-emptive dive out the emergency exit.

Wal-Mart is making a pitch for higher-end customers like Amazon’s. Mostly because Amazon’s customers are only considered higher-end when compared with people who shop at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart is partnering with Lord & Taylor to sell upscale fashions. They will debut the new clothing line with their selection of designer label overalls.

The Senate tax bill will cut taxes for the wealthy but increase them for people making less than $75,000 a year. Mostly because Senators feel that people won’t miss what they don’t have.

A study says home ownership doesn’t build wealth. Especially for anyone buying a home in 2008 with a subprime mortgage who is now living out of their Chevy Cruze.

A study says home ownership doesn’t build wealth. Except for Donald Trump who is making all kinds of money since taking over the White House.

Harvard has been ranked the best business school in the U.S. for the third straight year. Which is great news for the 100 wealthy prep-school grads whose parents made a seven-figure endowment to get them in the door.

A report says the price of Thanksgiving dinner has dropped to its lowest since 2013. Mostly because more families are seeing their cost fall to zero since their holiday meal will be at the local homeless shelter.

A poll says Americans no longer prefer a male boss over a female. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Oh, NOW they decide that.”

The NFL is accusing Cowboys owner Jerry Jones of “damaging the league.” Which is interesting that an old, white billionaire is actually causing more problems than drugs, domestic violence or National Anthem protests.

The CDC says 1 in 10 Americans are eating more fruits and vegetables than are recommended. To which the other 9 are saying “They had our share.”

The CDC says 1 in 10 Americans are eating more fruits and vegetables than are recommended. The worst part is that it came in the form of strawberry ice cream, zucchini bread and apple pie.

A study says depressed fathers may pass it on to their teenage children. Especially when their fathers realize how broke they will be when they get the teenagers’ college tuition bills.

A study says depressed fathers may pass it on to their teenage children. Which is bad news because what father isn’t depressed when trying to raise teenagers?

Ohio called off the execution of an inmate after not being able to find a vein. Which sounds like it would have been easier to try to kill him while he was still alive.

A study says drinking heavily and smoking makes people look older than they are. For instance, it’s hard to believe that Mickey Rourke is actually only 27.

A study says drinking heavily and smoking makes people look older than they are. Which is rough for Courtney Love when she goes to Egypt and her travel companions are accused of stealing a mummy.

Kelly Clarkson says she is happiest when she is fat. Which means gone from being an American idol to more of a sitting Buddha idol.

Martha Stewart says her time in prison gave her street cred with Snoop Dogg. Unfortunately, Snoop lost all of his cred when he changed his name to Snoop Lion and started hosting a game show.

Martha Stewart says her time in prison gave her street cred with Snoop Dogg. Especially when she showed him how to make a shiv out of a sauce whisk.

Martha Stewart says her time in prison gave her street cred with Snoop Dogg. Especially when she showed him how to use a furniture doily to roll a joint.

A Brazilian woman found a seven-foot long boa constrictor in her washing machine. Apparently she had no idea that boas are supposed to be hand washed.

Roy Moore is accusing Mitch McConnell of trying to steal his special election. To which McConnell says why would he try to steal a Senate election when after Bush and Trump he has already stolen two presidential elections?

Blake Shelton has been picked as People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Although it won’t be official until the male cast members of “The Big Bang Theory” get a recount.

An Alabama fan was arrested for shooting an Auburn fan in an argument over the Iron Bowl. Apparently the idea was to settle a dispute over iron by using lead.

Donald Trump is hosting NCAA championship teams at the White House today, but no list was provided of which teams will attend. Although it can pretty much be assumed there won’t be any representatives from Trump University.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says its OK if the Miami Marlins trade MVP Giancarlo Stanton. Why should they have to pay top dollar for a player who won’t ever have to go pat 162 games?

A report says stadium disputes could cause the Bengals to leave Cincinnati. Although the one thing keeping them in town is all the players who can’t go anywhere until they are excused from house arrest.

LaVar Ball is sticking to his plan to have all of his kids go one-and-done with college basketball. Although he came close to having to alter that with LiAngelo’s arrest in China almost turning into a 15-to-30-and-done.

Michael Vick is set to make his final payment on his bankruptcy. At least the financial bankruptcy. He already spent 18 months behind bars to pay off his moral bankruptcy.

Stephen Curry will teach an online Virtual Reality basketball clinic. Apparently it’s for students who want to try out to play college basketball for DeVry.

Bettors are saying that Roy Moore will lose his special election for Alabama Senator. Mostly because all the 14 year old girls he hit on back in the 1970s are now old enough to vote against him.

A report says there have been 268 cases of sexual harassment settled by Congress over 20 years, costing taxpayers $17 Million. When voters said they wanted Congress to pass more bills, they didn’t mean 17 Million of them in court.

A report says there have been 268 cases of sexual harassment settled by Congress over 20 years, costing taxpayers $17 Million. Which finally stopped once they closed down the Snapchat account of Anthony Weiner.

A German man reported his car stolen 20 years ago, only to find out he forgot where he parked it and it was still there after two decades. Hollywood is already set to make a biopic starring Ashton Kutcher.

A German man reported his car stolen 20 years ago, only to find out he forgot where he parked it and it was still there after two decades. Apparently it came to him after he saw a screening of the film “Ach Du Liber! Where Ist Mein Auto?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, the weekend before Thanksgiving. Which many of us give thanks that we will be staying home for the holidays and not traveling to see any relatives. I hope you all have a great couple of days off and we can all get back together on Monday. As much as I love all of you I am looking forward to a couple of days off next week. Although there is nothing funny about eating enough to go into a tryptophan coma. Feel free to send your holiday greetings to me along with any other questions or comments to jimbarach@hotmail.com. I will answer all e-mails. But that’s because there is nothing better than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!